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DeNene what terrifies me. WOW
What terrifies me?
I can tell you what frightens me. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I have been a nurse for 56 years. I know how to turn off my feelings. It’s as helpful in my line of work as it is for many that see people in real pain: the pain of dying, the pain of physical mutilation, the pain of burns, car accidents, of watching a loved one die.
Thank God that switch is always there. This ability has gotten me through some of my toughest times. Once I turned everything off for 4 months to handle a disease outbreak. That left me with PTSD that lasted for almost 20 years. It was only after my book was published that I was able to lay that down.
I was there while my parents died. I was there while a dear friend died of cancer. I worked in the emergency room, showed up at car accidents and for seizures in the middle school where my children went. I did hospice care. I was confident that I could see it all.
I will be there when another friend dies of a brain tumor later this year.
The problem with seeing it all is unseeing it, or putting it in a safe place. That’s harder.
Much harder.
When you turn everything off, it’s easy to leave it off- to tell yourself that nothing is wrong. Nothing really happened. You use drugs or alcohol to keep it off, to stay numb. That is only a postponement of emotional pain. This isn’t unusual in the helping professions, but neither is it helpful for living a full free life.
In the past year, I have learned to take these events out of my pocket. To turn them over and over like the smooth stone on this warm spring day. I have learned that I don’t have to hide. I don’t have to be afraid of emotion. That there is strength in seeing the pain and having compassion for others, and for myself.
Writing helps me to understand how I feel. It is a way to my inner self, a way to pull the loose threads of emotion and memory to see what is at the other end.
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